Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Pictures Aren't Enough

As I witness the annual uploading and tagging of photos from Senior High Camp at Dunkirk, I realized that it has been a while since there has been a photo of my wife and me tagged on Facebook. I looked back, and the most recent photo (in real time, not most recently uploaded) is this one:
Christmas Eve, 2009. Taken by my brother-in-law, Josh, on his iPhone. Shortly after this was taken was the first seizure. You know the rest- well, maybe not the specifics.

Since then, there have been no occasions for photos. No sunsets, no dinners, no travels, no picnics. No photos. Right after the first surgery, I remember her begging me 'Please, no photos. I don't want to remember this.' Since this has all become our normalcy, she has me take photos- photos like this:
This is to either document what she's been through, or to prove that she is still alive.

These past few days have been some of the worst since before her second surgery. She will have an MRI in the morning in hopes of discovering the cause. We're pretty confident it's medicinal, but now, anytime a doctor orders an MRI, it is terrifying.

Here's to a future where photos are appropriate. Here's one of the songs that I wrote and recorded for our engagement. I still mean every word:

Pictures Aren't Enough by Tlipps

I walk on reef after the coals
A fireplace waits to dry my soles
I smash the bricks when I lay them down
There is rest in your hands, in your sound

The saddest days are days I'm undefined
Next to me you keep those days behind
I hate myself in pictures before you
I hope there are no pictures after you

I wear this mask to look like them
But you don't want anymore than I am
There was a wall, there was a mess
There was a change- and now, my best

Pictures cannot hold the life you bring
Photos can't breath

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