Thursday, October 21, 2010

not a second...

of my life is a waste.

the mistakes and hardships. none of it.

i've always sought understanding and given to merited concession in my adversity.
whether it was self imposed or preordained.

it's a cliche parallel, but my story is a dynamic one BECAUSE of my lust for growth.
every 3-5 years of my life brings a clear page break. a demarcation of a new life. a new experience. a new chapter.

this has been possible because i have ALWAYS submitted myself to the philosophy that i know nothing. at no point is this untrue for anyone.

every mistake: a humbling.
every tragedy: a right of passage.

childhood and adulthood are east and west.
the border between them is blurry and wide.
so wide, that we spend the majority, if not the entirety of our lives
swimming in it.
always believing we are pressing towards the coast of maturity, but inevitably taking miscalculated turns of humanity in human proportions.

the awareness of this venture is the narrow way to progress.

Monday, October 18, 2010


i can't REALLY be crazy.
crazy people don't know that they're crazy.
so this insanity must be temporary,
seeing as how i'm fully aware of it.

mark zuckerberg shares a striking resemblance to alfred nobel
making his fortune off of an invention intended to propel society
but being remembered as the merchant of death
as the complications of facebook rival the destruction of dynamite

it's strange though, i feel civilization is safer
with me dragging crates of stabilized nitroglycerin
rather than me typing on a keyboard
connected to a monitor in their homes

my facebook is deactivated
until i know my right mind is restored.


why my right mind is down:
many people can't handle the truth about my wife's health.
it has become baseline for me, so i can handle it.
however, if you know you can't handle it, turn away now.
it will ruin your day if you empathize
and nothing is more offensive to us than cliches and platitudes
explaining about clouds with silver linings
and insisting we be grateful because she is alive.


i have not been directly offended by anyone,
but cherisse has been egregiously offended by many.
any offense to my wife IS a direct offense to me.

after brain surgery, cherisse went through an arduous recovery
that lasted around 10 months
during which, many family members and supposed close friends ignored her.
not all, but an eyebrow raising amount.

this has been so baffling and infuriating
that, despite our efforts to overcome,
it became a great hindrance to the mental and emotional healing.
anyone who knows anything about the brain
will understand that this indirectly hindered
the physical healing.

we recently got some unexpected bad news:
her seizures are still epileptic
and she will continue to be at risk
for her entire life.

this weekend brought cherisse
11 absent seizure
where she is unable to move.
not even her eyes.
5 hours of inescapable mid day fatigue.
5-6 episodes of uncontrollable
emotional shifts
where she becomes a person
she cannot control.

the seizure focus is in her temporal lobe
which controls emotions
meaning that when she has these episodes
her words and emotions
are completely under the control
of her electrical abnormalities in her brain.

ever have a migraine?
well cherisse literally has migraines for 72 hours at a time
without. any. breaks.

auditory over stimulation
is one of many seizure triggers
which means every time she feels unbalanced
(which is 75%-80% of the time)
she cannot take in decibels
above a television at low volume.

this unfortunately means
we more often than not
are unable to attend church service
which is disheartening to us both

because we both know
our only hope is in Jesus Christ.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

An Open Letter to the People Hidden from My Mini-Feed

Dearest Self-Indulgers,

Your passive-aggressive narcissism is a double edged sword that I must fall upon.

For me to cut our ties would instill a rage in you. A rage formed of delusion and catalyzed by entitlement. My sanity in the foreseeable future would be monopolized by an onslaught of politics and drama. These confrontations would come from as many as 3 degrees of separation from the center of your web. Each topic will have been spun out of control by your unforgiving gravitational pull.

For me to voluntarily inhale while standing in close proximity to your sarin plant is spiritual suicide.

Facebook has (unintentionally) softened the word 'friend'. Though its definition has always been subjective, it has generally been used to label people (or dogs) with whom you share a closeness. The range of use went from trust-worthy soul mates, to bumbling knuckleheads who always return your phone calls.

The range of the word 'friend' has now been extended. Through the land of acquaintanceship and into the heart of loathsome banes.

As a genuine person with genuine interests, it is easy for me to identify my antithesis. Comments and posts about yourself pointing out 'subtle' things about yourself that you're afraid we might miss.

I'll stop here out of fear of being accused of hypocrisy. I will leave you with this thought: There is a difference between trying to spark a conversation and trying to spark a conversation about yourself.

Thank you.

Friday, October 8, 2010


we regret investments
in synthetic day to days
but now we can smell
silicon a mile away

feet cemented
with gravel and regression
"fight or flight" has atrophy
from generations spent on screens

pure unconscious plagiarism
justified the burning books
all evidence that our synapses
have migrated to the end of mice