strangely intriguing parings part I

satires and flat tires
sharp shouts and white-out
pulled stops and tear drops
cold mystique and freon leaks
autonomous and exploiting us
clearly stating and dehydrating

carbon

they're talking about how they would run their cults
and i should subscribe to their philosophy
they borrowed a lot from the first five search results
but the guts i described would still be inside of me

YOUR love is the only thing that's worth my breath.
YOUR love is the only thing left.

they're talking around self sufficiency
dodging the farms that grew their food
collecting the things that keep them empty
rejecting the loss that renews

YOUR blood is the only thing that's worth my breath.
YOUR blood is the only thing left.

Vengeance

It might be the Arnold Palmer Tallboy talking, but I seem to get angrier by the day.
The longer I'm alive, the more opportunity people have to do me wrong.
The longer I'm alive, the more time I have to realize how wrong I've been done.
This equation expands exponentially with the amount of people you care about.
The more friends and family you have and the longer they live, the more they will undoubtedly be snowed over.
Assuming you are a truly compassionate person, your loved ones' betrayals will inevitably become deposits in YOUR outrage bank account.

There is a sick joke in all of that.
The doers of wrong often carry a callused conscious.
They sleep just fine.
Not because they don't have a conscious, but because somewhere down the road, they decided to fight through guilt to get what they want.
Just like fingers on guitar strings.
If they've been committed to fight through the pain, eventually they won't feel it anymore.

So what's the sick joke?
The scoreboard.
Them 2 - You 0
If life were fair they would get what they want, but guilt would consume them.
You would lose what they took, but you would sleep at night.
In the real world, the victim loses AND emotion consumes them.
Actually, I lose three times.
1. I'm done wrong.
2. Anger consumes.
3. I spend unprecedented amounts of time contemplating the unfairness of everything I just talked about.

But wait, what's that, Jesus?
"VENGEANCE IS MINE"
Wow. How about in context?

"If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men. Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord. Therefore if thine enemy hunger, feed him; if he thirst, give him drink: for in so doing thou shalt heap coals of fire on his head. Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good."
KJV- Romans 12:18-21

"Vengeance is mine" is not a war cry. God is not challenging his enemies.
He is rebuking ME.
He is scolding me for wasting my mental energy on nonsense that I don't control.
He is scolding me for wasting mental energy on the bad parts of people.
He is reminding me that I have been given no right to JUDGE.
He is reminding me of how much I have been forgiven.
You have to give it to get it.
How many times in a day?
70 x 7

I feel at peace now.
Hallelujah.

tracking numbers

4 packages in the mail.
3 different tracking websites.
UPS
USPS
FEDEX

4 tabs in my browser.
4 arbitrary series of letters and numbers.
4 refresh buttons to hit every 15 minutes.

Arlington, Spokane, Industry, Memphis... Hong Kong?

Every day the departures and arrivals pile up.
Every day I get a bit more jealous of my parcels' travels.

They get passed around their state of origin for a while.
2 or 3 stops.
Cut the package some slack! It's still a greenhorn.
Once it figures out what it's doing, it makes a huge jump to Pittsburgh or Chicago.
Maybe even Cleveland.

Then, that precious moment.
TONAWANDA, NY.
out.
for.
delivery.

Thanks to my diligence, tracking numbers, and NORAD like command center
i have wasted nearly 4 man hours of my life.

awesome?

at least...

Part I
some people have thoughts like a plate of spaghetti
a once brittle, unpalatable box of failed pickup sticks
now boiled to a manageable consistency and interwoven
no way of knowing where one starts and stops
unless extracted with careful diligence

still, others have thoughts like a row of vending machines
strategically categorized and compartmentalized
sterile, logical, and obvious
the extraction is much simpler
but it only moves as fast as the coins

in either case our experience is multi-dimensional
while we twirl our pasta on our fork
we're neglecting the deliciousness of the garlic bread
while we're futilely rocking the machine to free our stuck doritos
we have yet to discover that the diet pepsi is -sold out-

complete perspective is impossible to obtain
there's only one omniscient, omnipresent
but that doesn't excuse us from trying
if not all at once, we should be oscillating
flipping through our security cameras
like a security guard in a parking garage

Part II
i wrote the former to write this
if perspective is a song, i am william hung
i've convinced myself i'm awesome
but really, i'm comically awful

i'm curiously determined to maintain my perspective
whether it's good or bad
i use a technique call "at least"
of which there are two varieties

if my self image is good and i'm ignoring opportunities for improvement
i use "at least i..."
you think a "C" average is bad?
at least i am not failing.
you think i have too many speeding tickets?
at least i am not in prison.
you think i call off of work too much?
at least i have a job.

if my self image is bad and i'm ignoring things that would make me feel better
i use "at least they..."
i should be grateful for my job?
at least they make (insert salary $10K more than my own).
i should be happy with my relationships?
at least they have (insert 100 more facebook/myspace friends than i have).
i should be proud of my life??
at least they (insert inconsequential asset someone has that i don't).

the expression goes that the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence
but i'm thinking it just looks nicer because they're taking the time to mow it.

i have a pretty big lawn.
i should probably be priming my john deer.
the same goes for you.